If BCCI goes the AITA way ~ Cricket Bakchod

In the wake of some recent tantrums thrown by Bhupati and Bopanna, two of our premiere women players, I came to realize the importance of an all powerful bunch of jokers (or the selection committee, sorry Jimmy Amarnath). Obviously in tennis it's easier for a couple of big stars to throw their weight around to get things done their way. I am using the term "star" here pretty loosely. In my book doubles tennis is like an amateur sport which no one in the world cares about. In a few days, we will see Wimbledon doubles games played on court No. 14 contested in front of 20 people (including officials). Anyhow, I digressed. These men are still stars in the country. Dating Mahima Chaudhary and marrying Lara Dutta should be proof enough of their stardom.

Thankfully, our cricketers despite being sporting Gods in the country have to abide by the selection committee which in most cases sends the best available teams. Although we still have a rich history of feuds starting from Maharaja of Vizianagaram vs Lala Amarnath, to Kapil vs Gavaskar, to Ganguly vs Dravid to the latest Sehwag vs Dhoni. Still end of the day, these grown up men generally keep their differences to the ocassional press outburst and manage to get along on the field of play. So, a cricketer with an ego of the size of Ganguly would happily make a come back to play under the Dravid/Chappel regime. It might be interesting to imagine our team selected via a general body meeting with all cricketers and selectors participating. Here is what the minutes of meeting might look like:


"Tough to keep him out Greig"

General Body Meeting for Indian Cricket Team Selection
Attended By: Selectors, Players, WAGS, Agents.
Summary of points discussed:

Sreesanth and Munaf Patel are unanimously ruled out for selection. None of the players want to be a part of the team where these two are playing. One of the esteemed WAGs present at the meeting Miss Sheela (name modified to conceal identity) accused that her husband has started using more hindi abuses which he learned from Munaf and after making love to her, beats the ground with his hands and breaks into stupid dance routines ala Sreesanth. The selectors have accepted the plea and banned Sree and Munaf for 20 years.
Sehwag has refused to play unless he gets a written guarantee from all the players for not making fun of his hair or the lack of it. Sehwag couldn't hide his emotions while making his plea, "Bhencho, saare endorsements ke paise uda diye baal ugaane mein. kitane doctors ke pass gaya. Ajkal to naye ads bhi nahi mil rahe hain. bolte hain pahele baal ugaao. ajkal to yeh harsha bhogle bhi mazaak udaane laga hai. This has to stop, else I can't play my natural game." The board respects Sehwag emotions and has warned the players to refrain from jibes at his baldness. Anyone found guilty will have his hair shaved off and be forced to spent 3 hours alone in a room with Sreesanth. Similar pleas were made by Nehra about his teeth and Ishant about his Adam's apple both of which were rejected. They were heard murmuring, "Yea its a batsmen's game after all".
The other Delhi stalwart Gautam Gambhir raised his usual concern about Dhoni and the team leaving it for too late amidst loud boos and jeers. He was cut short in his speech as Dhoni's agent signed a blank cheque and put it on the desk of board's president.
Board and all the players have unanimously agreed that Sachin Tendulkar should be allowed to move from 89 to 100 directly on taking a single. As usual, Rahul Dravid has agreed to debit the runs he has scored to ensure all of Sachin's 90s can be counted as 100s. Board president thanked Rahul for this sacrifice and assured that the whole country will be extremely grateful to him. The board will take up this matter in the next meeting with ICC. All cricket boards except ECB have already entered an MoU with the board to support whatever crap they come up with at the ICC meeting in exchange for a 9 match bi-lateral ODI series.
Among other prominent demands from the players were: "Rule change to reward extra runs only for style and shadow practicing" from Rohit Sharma."I will bowl fast only in the match and off breaks in the nets" from Zaheer Khan, and "Ban leg stump wide rule" from Harbhajan Singh. All of these were rejected after the due voting process.

The next meeting will be held in August where the all important issue of how to maximize profits and kill test cricket will be discussed.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com