Test Cricket: A robust patient.

I heard Harsha Bhogle in a trailer for "Death of a gentleman" saying, "Test cricket should have died thirty years ago. It's proved to be a very robust patient." I have been harboring the same thought for a long time in my mind. For once, Harsha and me are thinking along the same line. I can probably make millions of rupees like Harsha if I stick to the same line of thinking and do all of the following:

1. Talk mostly in banalities with occasional Deepak Chora-esque deep sounding philosophical crap.

2. Smile when I need to, smile when I don't need to.

3. Grow fake hair.

4. And probably most importantly, never say anything too bad about any of the superstar Indian cricketers so that I stay friends with all of them and they never deny me an interview. To give an example, one could question Ishant Sharma getting picked without much match practice but never question the selection or fitness of a Zaheer Khan or a Yuvraj Singh.

Well, the readers of this blog already know that I am incapable of doing any of the above. So here goes just my puny blog about why I love test cricket and why it will live.

The Origin:

It's a connect with how the game started. We love our Bradman, Gavaskar, Sobers as much as we love our Tendulkar, Kallis, Warne. Test cricket gives the chance to fans and players alike to compare themselves with the former greats. Without test cricket comparison of Kallis and Sobers or Tendulkar and Bradman will be meaningless. And what will the media ever do if they can't compare players from different eras, no matter how meaningless/boring the comparison would become.

The Poms and The Ashes:

England have struggled with any kind of limited over cricket and don't give me that "They won a T20 World Cup shit". Winning a T20 world cup doesn't really count for much. Players want to do well in T20 World Cup to get higher bids in IPL or Big Bash. As long as England keep doing badly in limited overs cricket, there will always be at least one powerful nation that will keep test cricket alive. And we all know how so many British people love tradition. Test cricket is safe in England. And then of course there is the ashes. It's hard to imagine the interest in the ashes ever going down in either Australia or England. So even if every other form of test cricket dies, the ashes will still live for a thousand more years.

The Indians:

Believe it or not, but test cricket is the form which fits the Indian psyche and the Indian male body the best, except fast bowling of course. But cricket gives you the chance to be good only in limited parts of the game and still be the World Number 1 team somehow. Limited over cricket demands a level of fitness which doesn't come easily to us. We can concentrate for long hours, we can be artists with the bat, we can be wily with our spin, but running and diving around the field? No sir. That's one of the reasons why cricket became popular in India in the first place. So the board may be pushing for T20s as a way of making easy money but our body and mind is so well suited for playing and watching test cricket that it's hard to imagine that test cricket can ever die in India.

Happy Co-existence:

Together is better. Different forms of the games are about addition and not substitution. Kids in a family fight for attention and get different level of attention from the parents at different times. There will be times when test cricket feels ignored, there will be times when its missed, times when it's relished. If it is getting neglected a bit then the consumer of cricket must have a good reason to do so. Music is a great example of co-existence. In my life Rock n roll, Reggae, Rap, Rafi, Rahman and Remix happily live together. And I have heard that some people still go to Carnatic music concerts and the opera, strange as it may sound. To my untrained mind listening to such forms of music is akin to exorcising a ghost, but what do I know. People care and love it much like people continue to love test cricket. 

The test cricket season is on us then. It's time to celebrate. Its time to orgasm to long vigils of Kallis and Amla. Time to watch and abuse the players you hate for 5 days at a stretch. Time to get frustrated with that 9th wicket partnership and curse your own bowlers (I bet every fan believes that only the team he supports can't seem to dislodge tailenders while all other teams dismiss all of them for no score). Time to pray for rain or clear skies or cloud cover or wind or any weather condition that may suit your time on a given day. Time to get your whites dirty. Ohh Fuck me. Let the games begin....

Please share your comments on why you love/hate test cricket. Or mail me on rajesh@cricketbakchod.com

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War. Friendship. Cricket.

Put the kids to sleep. This is serious sport!

The mother of all sporting rivalry is India Vs Pakistan in cricket. If it's taking place in a World Cup then it simply doesn't get bigger than this in sport. Oh okay I already hear voices of dissent from some elite sports watchers. One at a time kids!

Yes, Federer vs Nadal is a nice little rivalry, but it won't be there 5 years from now. India vs Pakistan is for the ages, it will be there forever or at least until one of our scientists accidentally blows away our nuclear warhead in our own territory.

And Fuck No you stupid white american kid. Yankees vs RedSox is no sporting battle. Baseball anyhow is a dwarf in front of the great game of cricket. The rivalry is as intense as two Indian school girls fighting over who is "cuutteer"(sic), SRK or Hrithik.

And Yes German brother, I have to agree with you since you look tall and strong. Eng vs Germany in football is some battle. There is history. There is hatred. The two countries have been at war. Brilliant to watch. But hey, now the two countries are friends in Eurozone. Also white men can't hate each other like us brown men can (yes I have stolen it from a Russel Peters joke). They will see each other in a bar and talk about white folk stuff and have a drink, may be abuse each others sports team and laugh and walk away. We hate people from different state much more than you white folks from different countries hate each other.

Okay enough dissent already. Time to talk. India and Pakistan have fought real wars and are almost perennially in a warlike situation, not just during the show they put up at Wagha border but in real battlefields as well. During the matches, firing across the border is often reported. People die of heart attack during every game. I can go on and on. "Cricket Diplomacy"!! Is any sport rivalry so big that it's actually used as a diplomatic machinery?

Every cricket fan has memories about India Pakistan matches. Sweet memories of Sachin smashing Akhtar for a six over thirdman. bitter memories of Miandad hitting Chetan Sharma for a six of the last ball. And some bittersweet memories of Pakistan beating India in that Chennai test by 17 runs, and then getting a standing ovation from the "knowledgeable" Chepauk crowd (Frankly I hated the crowd at that moment for standing up to these guys who have just beaten us, but now its a cherished memory).

My first memory of India Pakistan battle is not even a cricket match. I think I was some four five year old when a kid on the street taught me a song. "Aao bachhon tumhein dikhaayein jhaanki Hindustan ki, Kapil Dev ne chakka maara pant phati Imran ki". Yes, I am slightly embarrassed to say that I remember this. In fact I sing this in my head often. Remembering Kapil Dev, that hero of the masses. And Imran Khan, that great all rounder, a guy we feared and revered in equal quantity. But mainly people in India hated him because our women who didn't care at all about cricket, would stop for a moment to look at the tv screen just to watch him running in with his flowing hair and bare chest.

So, the night of heroes will be back soon. Cause no matter what else you do as an Indian or Pakistani cricketer, you will always be remembered for that one great feet against your rival nation. An Indian will forever remember the image of Venkatesh Prasad dismissing Aamir Sohail after a tiff in 1996 World Cup quarter final and a Pakistani may never forgive Wasim Akram for missing that match despite being genuinely injured! Hrishikesh Kanitkar could have continued playing international cricket and scored hundreds but his biggest moment would still be that 4 he hit off Saqlain at Dhakka. Or biggest of them all, that wily old street fighter Javed Miandad. Considered one of the best batsmen of all time. Scored runs everywhere against the best attacks in the world. He is still remembered for that one six he hit off a full toss bowled by someone like Chetan Sharma. Such is the nature of this rivalry!

On 30th September, form wouldn't matter as much as the nerves. There would be one man of the match but there could be one hero for life or as in Misbah's case a villian forever. Bring on the Super Sporting Sunday!

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com 

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The Sachin Conundrum

When is a good time to talk about Sachin Tendulkar? Any time in the last 23 years. So lets talk Sachin.

I can already hear the voices in your head. Another puny blogger trying to write the customary "Sachin: The God of cricket" tribute piece, trying to show that he has arrived? Or trying to sell himself as a thinking writer by picturing him as the root all evil, as a symbol of consumerist India? If I can express myself well enough though  then this blog should not fall into either category, and no I am not trying to be a smart ass by saying I will try to take the middle path, show the bigger picture. This is just an attempt to look back at the Sachin I have known through the years. It has been a long marriage which has lasted 23 years and still going strong. It has seen some awesome and some rough times <insert roller coaster ride cliché>. There was the honeymoon period when the young Sachin arrived. A look at him and you knew this was a virgin. He gave us batting orgasms every time he walked in. Every other country looked at him with wishful eyes, hoping he was their own and you would feel proud everytime just to think he can never be their's. Truly world's envy, India's pride. In the word's of Kung Fu Panda, "Never before in the history of Kung Fu a man was so loved, and so feared".

So often when we are talking about Sachin, we are not really talking about Sachin the human. No, not Sachin the God either. A critique on Sachin is essentially a critique on the Sachin phenomenon. I am conscious of this fact while writing this, and normally a criticism of Sachin here will be a criticism of Sachin the phenomenon and not Sachin the person.

A Hero is born.

The time is late 90s. India is coming off age. Well at least the middle class is. We have satellite TV channels beaming 24 hour entertainment to millions. And there is a desperate need for a hero. But who can this hero be? For batman fans, "A hero we don't deserve yet, but need desperately". Although we definitely are on the rise as a nation, we are hardly standing on our feet yet. We are not the best at anything. Except - We have the best batsman in the world. There shouldn't be any doubt about this. He is the best batsman ever, period. Anyone trying to argue on that doesn't know shit about batting and cricket. Even Don Bradman agrees that Sachin is the only batsman who plays like him. Thousands of newspaper pages are dedicated to singing his praise, hours and hours of television programming to celebrate his greatness. All of this Sachin totally deserved. A middle class boy from Mumbai with immense talent but who has also worked extremely hard to reach where he is. Sunil Gavaskar could have been that hero too, but he played at a time when the junta were more worried about Roti, Kapda, Makaan than sporting icons. Sachin arrived just at the perfect time. At the fag end of the milleniom the news media is now learning to delve into borderline absurd. I can't recall how many times the news channels repeated the line about Sachin coming in Shane Warne's dream. Yes, Warne had said this just in a manner of speaking while giving an interview and he later clarified that it wasn't as if Sachin was actually giving him nightmares. But our news channels picked it up verbatim and repeated it a zillion times till it became permanent in the brain of every Indian cricket fan.

The moment of truth.

The time is early 2000s. Sachin is the only person in the country who is beyond questioning in media. You can criticize beliefs, practices, leaders, businessmen, sportsman, anyone you want, but criticizing Sachin is committing hare-kiri for a news channel. That seems fair too. Sachin has been the best cricketer in the world for a long time and he seems totally immune to any corrupt influences that may him sway him into anything controversial. Some one took a plunge then it seems. I don't know when it began. But a guess would be the Ferrari car incidence. He may have been criticized before, but that was the first time I saw the collective voice of many news channels speaking against Sachin. It was totally and utterly absurd. Heck I even saw Sachin effigies burnt on news channel. Some people rallying on the road with a katora to collect money for Sachin to pay the customs duty, yes a hindi news channel showed this on TV. The Fiat people came in and paid the customs to stop things from getting ugly. But the dam was already broken. One of India's first Peepli Live was played on news channels for days. The media had realized that a criticism of Sachin can work too, probably work even better than unending praise which the people were bored of anyhow.

The Present.

Yes that's a long jump in the timeline, but I know you don't have the patience for a history lesson and there is not a thing about the Sachin story that you the reader of even this obscure cricket blog don't know yet. Sachin has dominated the game for 20 years. No sportsman, heck no individual has been at the top of his business consistently for so long. Even Steve Jobs had a nearly bankrupt Apple and a failed Next on his way. Many greats rise and fall. Sachin the batsman could only rise. Breaking records for him has become absurd now. I dearly wish the media could stop harping about some of the pseudo records that Sachin has made and is on the verge of making. But how can they, even now a piece on Sachin sells better than most other things. Apart from praising Sachin, people now openly criticize him as well. A middle class which mostly celebrates capitalism and corporate greed has been accusing Sachin of being selfish. The fans and devotees will still call it just Sachin's hunger. Well it may be hunger or greed, but is it really Sachin's fault? Haven't we all collectively pushed him to be this hungry? Most fans want him to score a hundred even if India loses. There are brands whose quarterly results may be a function of how many hundreds Sachin is scoring. 

So, is Sachin bigger than cricket then in this country? You Bet. Our chief selector openly declared that this man can play ODIs for as long as he wants while at the same time easily suggesting Laxman to walk away from test cricket. A man who dares to drop Sachin from the team would need Z+ security the very next day. Of course Sachin can choose when he wants to retire. He can also choose which series he wants to play and what number he wants to bat. Always No. 1 in ODIs and No. 4 in tests irrespective of any calamities that may happen. Is it justified? Probably is. He just wants to stand up and be counted for as long as possible and you can't blame him for that. It's not his job to walk away from something he loves so much and something that has given him greatness and immortality. We have all helped creating the legend. He is and he will be the Sachin Tendulkar. Just continue to bow down and watch until some day when he decides to give you a final bow and bids a final Good Bye. Will he do it as he nears 40? Did the Mayans predict anything for 2012? I hope not...

Any piece on Sachin may get a reaction from the Internet Sachin Militia. If you hate this, kindly refrain from trying to hunt and kill the writer or destroy the server on which this page is hosted. The thoughts are solely of the author and cricketbakchod.com doesn't subscribe to them in part or in total. Any hate messages can be left as comments or sent to rajesh@cricketbakchod.com

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A Very Very Special Friend

There are these 3 cricketers. They are like my friends since I have grown up with them. This post is about one of them.

The time is around 95 - 96, and I have started watching and undestanding cricket. Azhar, Sachin, Kumble were already well into their careers. They all mean a lot to me but these 3 other cricketers are more special. Ganguly, Dravid, Laxman. I have seen their careers start and bloom and now end. (Yes Ganguly made his ODI debut much earlier, don't disturb the stream of thoughts with your nitpickings). I can almost sum my school life, college life and work life as a series of milestone innings these gentlemen played. Laxman is the last one of my really close friends to bid me farewell, and he is the one I am probably not going to see much after this since I can't see him becoming a tv personality after retirement which Ganguly already is and Dravid can easily become. Laxman is like that one nice guy we have known and considered fortunate to be friends with. Unlike his other compatriots, he hardly ever does anything flashy on or off the cricket field. You never see him play a wild shot or a picture of him letting his hair down at a party or as is the norm for all star cricketers in the country, feature in an ad. No, he is just a simple lovable friend with whom you share a lot of fond memories.

My journey with Laxman started in 1996 when I heard that another Hyderabadi who is an Azhar clone is doing great in the Ranji trophy making big scores consistently and will soon be a part of the team. The time came against South Africa in the first test at Ahmedabad. You know India are in trouble when the match is stopped for crowd throwing bottles on the ground. This match had reached that stage. With just Laxman and the tail at the crease and India only 70 runs ahead, the match seemed to be heading for an early end. But VVS wasn't the 2nd innings God and India's greatest ever crisis man by fluke. He had it in his first test match itself, at the age of 22. He strung together crucial partnerships with Joshi, Kumble and Srinath to give India something to play for with a lead of 170. Srinath then famously destroyed the South African batting with six wickets for a famous Indian win. Laxman had arrived, or had he? With Ganguly back in the side and an indifferent performance in the 2nd test, Laxman was quickly dropped. This was a formidable Indian middle order and the only way in to the side was through a door which read makeshift openers. Laxman agreed regretfully but never got any real success at that position. His footwork wasn't great against the new ball and I have a lasting image of him in my mind getting out leg before or bowled against a moving ball.

Back in the Ranji trophy, Laxman continued to make an insane amount of runs. In 1999/2000 season he seemed to get a 100 every innings and double, triple hundreds for fun. He scored a highest of 353 and a staggering 1415 runs thats season which is still a Ranji Trophy record. The only reason Hyderabad couldn't win the final against Mumbai that year was Laxman getting run out in the first innings and Hyderabad conceding a first innings lead.

At one point then he took a decision which I honestly felt wasn't a smart one at that time. He refused to open the batting and decided to sit out of the Indian squad until there is a place for him in the middle order. Finally and ironically, his idol Azhar's slot got vacated after the match fixing fiasco and Laxman for the first time after his debut got to bat in the middle order. Words simply don't do justice to that innings against Australia at Kolkata in 2001. It was a batting orgasm which lasted a whole day. Frankly, I am still recovering from that knock till this day. If someone tells me that the innings was a hoax, I might believe him. Laxman was a batting superstar now. His decision to wait for a middle order slot was vindicated. Heck if they aren't already talking about it in a case study in some B-school, then I question the collective intelligence of global academia. He took a risk by letting go of one opportunity and waiting for the next which may have never come. when the opportunity did arrive, he grabbed it with both hands and both legs and continued groping and violating it for 3 sessions until the opportunity was his bitch. Many years later Kumble talked about the long process which lead to India becoming the number 1 test side. This my friends, was the start of that process. India continued to show bouncebackability for the next 10 years and Laxman continued to epitomize this quality.

Numbers can't do justice to Laxman's character and artistry. If numbers were the sole measure of greatness then <Digression start>Salman Khan is easily bigger than Kamal Hasan, Dilip Kumar, Mohanlal and every other great Indian actor combined.<Digression end>. Laxman's record though since his come back to middle order in 2001 is formidable. He averages 49 plus in over a hundred tests. Considering that he so often ran out of partners and had to bat with the tail, the number is quite phenomenal. Though his real value for the team was in refusing to identify an imminent defeat. Tough pitches, great bowlers will continue to get the best out of him. Many a words have been written about his wristy stroke play but they hide the steely grit which was the real mark of Laxman.
And so it ended yesterday, not with a bang but with a whimper. Never a man to hog the limelights, this shy Hyderabadi preferred to quitely walk away like a real Man. No farewells. No good bye. No see you later. Just walking away quitely in to the sunset. Good Bye old friend. I have reason enough to believe that your second innings will always be better than the first one.

Some Very Very Special facts:

• In the era of professionalism in cricket, Laxman just focused on his batting and didn't have a player agent.
• Do a google image search for VVS Laxman, look at his bat. Anything peculiar? The bat only has the bat makers name. Unlike most other Indian batsmen, VVS very seldom had a bat sponsor!
• Laxman's parents were doctors, they obviously either had him genetically mutated, or replaced his wrists with rubber at an early age.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com 

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Spin it like Saqlain

When Cricket Gods and gentlemen designed this game, they had an image in mind. Of men in white looking almost saintly on a friendly green outfield. Of slow bowlers gently landing it on a half volley and the batsman gently stroking it along the ground through covers followed by applause from all the fielders. Slow bowling is a central element in cricket's artistry although this picture is a far cry from what we see in the test matches these days (lets not even bring T20 cricket into a discussion like this).

I was laboring through the highlights of the just concluded Sri Lanka vs Pakistan test series. For a series played out in the sub-continent between two sub-continent giants, spin bowling on display was paltry to say the least. But such is the state of spin bowling throughout the world. Other than Graeme Swann, currently we don't have any genuine test match standard spin bowler. Swann has been incredibly consistent in the 4th innings and is one of the main reasons why England are the top side in the world now. Ironically, he is the only good old fashioned spinner in this era of mystery bowlers. These days if you want your kid to succeed as a spin bowler you better beat his wrist to a pulp so that it can rotate at any axis and permanently deform his elbow so that it always stay bent. Now teach him to pitch the bowl on a length and give him a crash course on law so that he can debate effectively on defending his bowling action

Swann. Leading Spinner. Leading Tweeter. Leading Sprinkler

Anyhow, this post is meant to be a celebration of spin bowling and especially that golden era of 90s when I started following cricket. Warne, Kumble and Murali having taken more than 2000 test wickets between them (woot!!) are the obvious torch bearers of spin bowling from glorious 90s. However, my favorite from the decade was Saqlain Mushtaq, the only modern day spin bowler who got the honor of inventing a new delivery and actually naming it. Now the Australians consider it illegal and immoral to bowl the Doosra. They even went so far as passing a resolution in their spin bowling summit few years back (attended by Warne and Terry Jenner among others) to condone the Doosra. Ashley Mallet wrote about this,

"There was unanimous agreement that the off-spinner's 'other-one', the Doosra, should not be coached in Australia," Mallett wrote in the Adelaide Review. "I have never seen anyone actually bowl the Doosra.

"It has to be a chuck. Until such time as the ICC declares that all manner of chucking is legal in the game of cricket I refuse to coach the Doosra. All at the spin summit agreed."

(Its funny that a country would be so up in arms against a delivery considered legal by the laws of the games and then expect BCCI to walk the line on a matter which is as dicey as the DRS but lets leave that for another discussion)

Now here is a challenge to the Australian spin fraternity. If they can look at this Damien Martyn dismissal and prove that Saqlain's arm bent and straightened more than Brett Lee's arm in every fucking delivery he bowls, then I will pay for all the Hot Spot cameras for all the test matches in the world out of my own pocket.

Saqlain bowled a gazillion of these Doosras. Each one magical enough to potentially beat Warne's ball of the century. Only, this was a fucking off spinner turning the ball away a mile from the right hander. Oh! and Saqlain wasn't like your one dimensional mystery bowler of today, he had the most brilliant looping off break. Variation was not just limited to spin but the flight, speed and the crease. Deliveries would tantalizingly hang in the air for a while, freeze the time for an instance, then give a clueless batsman the middle finger and just spin either way on its will. For me the comparison between Saqlain and other spinners ends even before the ball is delivered. He strolled in, small baby steps, poise of a Ballerina, chose the point on crease where this ball will be delivered from, get perfectly side on and then finish the action with the most beautiful pivot. His action became coaching manual stuff for Pakistan spinners after him. Ajmal, Hafeez, Shoaib Malik all have a bit of Saqlain in their bowling actions.

Further proof of Saqlain's genius lies in the quality of batsmen he has dissected and dismissed. During the 90s Indians were more invincible against spin at home than any other time in history. Indian batting line-up had destroyed Warne's reputation making him attempt bouncers in frustration. Murali got hit out of the park with such regular ease that he once attempted bowling a few proper leg breaks (he didn't have the Doosra at that time). I was convinced that no Indian batsman can get out against spin bowling unless he absolutely chooses to. In comes the Pakistan team in 1999 led by Wasim to play what would be the best test series played in that decade (pity it was only 2 tests). The quality of bowling on display from both the teams was just amazing (but more so from Pakistan). You had Kumble taking 10 wickets in an innings; you had Wasim toying with the batsmen with his mix of fast swing and reverse swing. Saqlain did come in with a reputation of bamboozling the Indians in the one dayers, heck he could often keep Mushtaq Ahmed out of the squad, a guy who would just stroll into any test side. He outshone everyone in that series by sheer consistency and class, picking up 5 wickets in each innings of both the test matches and ending with 20 wickets in 2 matches. This came against a side which had humiliated every world class spinner who dared to visit their shores. And against top quality batsmen against spin. Forget quality, just think of 5 men you would choose to save you from a spin bowling ghost. Hmm. Laxman, Dravid, Tendulkar, Azharuddin, Ganguly. Yes read down that batting line up and they were all there and they were all dismantled piece by piece in that test series.

Spiderman recommends getting perfectly side on before
spinning a web around the batsmen

So how on earth did Saqlain end up with anything less than 300 test wickets one wonders. There are more than one theories around it. For once he was a Pakistani and had to constantly face the wrath of changing regimes and erratic selections. He prospered under the captaincy of Wasim. Spinners need an intelligent and supporting captain to nurture them, to give them the right fields and to keep reminding them that you are the best in the world. Spinners need that encouragement from their captains. That’s one big difference in spin bowler's psyche from a fast bowler's. A spinner needs to be told and reminded that he is world class. A fast bowler needs to KNOW that he is world class (not talking about Shane Warne here who is a born once in a a century freak). For a captain, spinner is his beautiful, smart, intelligent, vivacious daughter; Pacer is his handsome, confident and go-getter son. Some say Saqlain started bowling too many Doosras. A theory that I don't buy into. One of the factors which nobody talks about is the amount of county cricket he played. That might have acted as a deterrent. Here he was wielding his magic in a land where even any Asian guy wearing Saqlain's name on the back would scare the fucking daylights out of these county batsmen. Saqlain could have turned up blind folded and still end up taking a bagful of wickets. He didn't bowl against good quality batsmen for a long time and lack of challenge affected his bowling.

Some ignorant Aussies or English folks may not give him enough credit but who cares about them anyway. Cricket lives with fans. We continue the legacy, if not via history books then via story books. Saqlain could have played more international cricket. Nevertheless, a shorter career and lack of a mountain of wickets/records doesn't take anything away from a player's legacy. He gave us great highs and great memories in his rather shortish career. As Rajesh Khanna once told Amitabh Bachhan in that Hrishikesh Mukherjee classic, "Babu Moshai, zindagi lambi nahi badi honi chaahiye" (You don't need to live it long, you need to live it large)

Do leave a comment if you are a fan of Saqlain or of general spin bowling wizardry. CB loves to hear any tales Spin Kings and the memories they bring to you.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com 

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Tennis and Me

The post is inspired by this brillaint piece from Sidvee

Doordarshan used to give us live Wimbledon tennis in the 90s and every kid had to choose a favorite. In the early 90s, kids my age (around 8 - 10 years) would know only 2 - 3 ladies who play tennis. Among them Monica Seles used to wear a skirt while playing and Steffi Graf used to wear shorts. It was a simple enough formula for me then, skirts > shorts implies root for Seles. Shortly after taking the decision to support her, she got stabbed by a Steffi fan and I continued to hate her for many years (until she got married to Andre). During that time I would support anyone who would challenge Steffi. So from Arantxa Sanchez to Martina Hingis, anyone who could beat Graf would be my favorite. A few years on, something happened to the women's game, first with ladies like Lindsay Davenport and Amelie Mouresmo and then the Williams sister. The finesse of the ladies game gave way to brute strength and I have lost all interest in the ladies game even till today.

In the Men's game, again the choice in early 90s was simple. Agassi with his denim shorts and flowing hair was the closest to the Bollywood heroes I used to worship then, so rooting for him came naturally. Then Sampras entered. There was something about his demeanor which captured me. By then I was slightly older (14 - 15 perhaps) and had developing my own personality. I too had started fancying myself as a calm, quiet, no-nonsense stoic (in short Deewar's Amitabh Bachhan) by then and I saw Sampras as a perfect embodiment of those values. Him breaking down in that Australian open match against Courier after someone in the crowd said, "Win it for your coach" is among my favorite moments in all of sport. Jim came up to him in all sincerity and offered to finish it the next day. Pete for whatever reason didn't like his offer and finished the game with booming aces while his eyes were filled with tears. The incident made me a lifelong Pete fan though I still liked Agassi.

When Pete's era was ending, I wasn't so sure about whom to support for some time. Safin's rage on the court, his Safinettes off the court and again probably my age and mental state at that time made him a good candidate. But then he turned out to be too erratic and refused to grow up while I had. Then Federer grabbed my attention as someone from the Martina Hingis country. After him winning the Wimbledon, it was an easy passing of the batton from Sampras to Federer which continued for some years. Until all the talk of him being the greatest player of all time started doing the rounds and for some reason it appeared to me that Federer had started thinking of himself as someone bigger than the game. They probably used to talk about Sampras also in the same way but I was too young or there wasn't any internet in those days to drive me sick of all the hype. During the same period, all the talk of Tendulkar being the greatest of all time had started drawing me away to an unassuming guy in Rahul Dravid who was consistently delivering the results. But who would be my Rahul Dravid of Tennis? Far too early in Federer's career he had started talking about the 15 grand slams landmark. His frustrations and "It's killing me" tears when he was stuck at 13 were akin to Sachin's in the recent hundred 100s hoopla where the purpose of playing every game was to get Sachin closer to that magical (and somewhat imaginary) landmark. Him putting on that shirt with the number "15" on the back after eventually getting there after beating Roddick in an epic final proved to everyone that the number meant more to him than it probably should. Federer is still the greatest exponent of his game to me just like Sachin and I love watching both Sachin and Federer in full flow to enjoy their sheer cratsmanship, their poetry in motion. Its almost as if both these men were designed by Gods to play their respective games. Anyhow, I digressed a little. Lets rewind a bit to the age when I was still searching for my Rahul Dravid of tennis. People like Roddick, Nalbandian, Hewitt had made it clear to me very early that they went into games against Federer as his fans, almost resigned to their fate of eventually losing to him. Enter Rafa. The warrior. The one who chased every ball like Hewitt but only with twice the speed. He would run half the length of court to celebrate a crucial point with a big "Vamos" cry. Tennis had not seen anything like him. Probably he was sent by Gods again just to prove to the mankind that every superman has his Kryptonite. For me Rafa is first and foremost a saviour. He saved me from an era of tennis where nothing seemed interesting as the game had stopped being competitive. Its great to look at the poetry of Federer's play but sports is not about artistry. Sports is Art meets War. You play hard, you play ugly, but you play fair and you play to win. Rafa epitomizes all of that. He like Dravid became not just my inspiration in sport, but inspiration in life. As someone who always lacked the natural talent for anything but was prepared to fight it out, these were the two individuals I look up to for inspiration when I was down.

Now the Fedtards or the Internet Sachin militia might want to have a go at me for my honest opinions above. So, in the spirit of my heroes that I just talked about, I only have this to tell you: "Bring it on".

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com 

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If BCCI goes the AITA way

 In the wake of some recent tantrums thrown by Bhupati and Bopanna, two of our premiere women players, I came to realize the importance of an all powerful bunch of jokers (or the selection committee, sorry Jimmy Amarnath). Obviously in tennis it's easier for a couple of big stars to throw their weight around to get things done their way. I am using the term "star" here pretty loosely. In my book doubles tennis is like an amateur sport which no one in the world cares about. In a few days, we will see Wimbledon doubles games played on court No. 14 contested in front of 20 people (including officials). Anyhow, I digressed. These men are still stars in the country. Dating Mahima Chaudhary and marrying Lara Dutta should be proof enough of their stardom.

Thankfully, our cricketers despite being sporting Gods in the country have to abide by the selection committee which in most cases sends the best available teams. Although we still have a rich history of feuds starting from Maharaja of Vizianagaram vs Lala Amarnath, to Kapil vs Gavaskar, to Ganguly vs Dravid to the latest Sehwag vs Dhoni. Still end of the day, these grown up men generally keep their differences to the ocassional press outburst and manage to get along on the field of play. So, a cricketer with an ego of the size of Ganguly would happily make a come back to play under the Dravid/Chappel regime. It might be interesting to imagine our team selected via a general body meeting with all cricketers and selectors participating. Here is what the minutes of meeting might look like:

"Tough to keep him out Greig"

General Body Meeting for Indian Cricket Team Selection
Attended By: Selectors, Players, WAGS, Agents.
Summary of points discussed:

• Sreesanth and Munaf Patel are unanimously ruled out for selection. None of the players want to be a part of the team where these two are playing. One of the esteemed WAGs present at the meeting Miss Sheela (name modified to conceal identity) accused that her husband has started using more hindi abuses which he learned from Munaf and after making love to her, beats the ground with his hands and breaks into stupid dance routines ala Sreesanth. The selectors have accepted the plea and banned Sree and Munaf for 20 years.
• Sehwag has refused to play unless he gets a written guarantee from all the players for not making fun of his hair or the lack of it. Sehwag couldn't hide his emotions while making his plea, "Bhencho, saare endorsements ke paise uda diye baal ugaane mein. kitane doctors ke pass gaya. Ajkal to naye ads bhi nahi mil rahe hain. bolte hain pahele baal ugaao. ajkal to yeh harsha bhogle bhi mazaak udaane laga hai. This has to stop, else I can't play my natural game." The board respects Sehwag emotions and has warned the players to refrain from jibes at his baldness. Anyone found guilty will have his hair shaved off and be forced to spent 3 hours alone in a room with Sreesanth. Similar pleas were made by Nehra about his teeth and Ishant about his Adam's apple both of which were rejected. They were heard murmuring, "Yea its a batsmen's game after all".
• The other Delhi stalwart Gautam Gambhir raised his usual concern about Dhoni and the team leaving it for too late amidst loud boos and jeers. He was cut short in his speech as Dhoni's agent signed a blank cheque and put it on the desk of board's president.
• Board and all the players have unanimously agreed that Sachin Tendulkar should be allowed to move from 89 to 100 directly on taking a single. As usual, Rahul Dravid has agreed to debit the runs he has scored to ensure all of Sachin's 90s can be counted as 100s. Board president thanked Rahul for this sacrifice and assured that the whole country will be extremely grateful to him. The board will take up this matter in the next meeting with ICC. All cricket boards except ECB have already entered an MoU with the board to support whatever crap they come up with at the ICC meeting in exchange for a 9 match bi-lateral ODI series.
• Among other prominent demands from the players were: "Rule change to reward extra runs only for style and shadow practicing" from Rohit Sharma."I will bowl fast only in the match and off breaks in the nets" from Zaheer Khan, and "Ban leg stump wide rule" from Harbhajan Singh. All of these were rejected after the due voting process.

The next meeting will be held in August where the all important issue of how to maximize profits and kill test cricket will be discussed.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com 

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Sachin Speaks: Applying cricketing wisdom to 10 political Issues

CricketBakchods(CB) finally caught hold of Sachin inside the Parliament restroom and he couldn't say no to us (We all know about the legendary male bonding inside a restroom). Here goes his exclusive message on politics and politicians for our super exclusive news bulletin CB-Live. 

Over to SRT:

CB wonders if SRT is visiting Viru's hair therapist?

Here is my message for UPA and friends:
1. Depending on Mamta Banerjee is a bit like depending on Ashish Nehra. At crunch moments, they both tend to forget whether they are in your team or the opposition.

2. Kapil Sibbal's zero sum Mathematics makes as much sense as the Duckworth Lewis system.

3. Still on Kapil Sibbal. Expecting him to do justice to both HRD and Telecomm ministry is like expecting your wicket keeper to also bowl 8 overs in a one day game.

4. Manmohan Singh is well, your Sachin Tendulkar. He is your star performer. You make him the captain and you loose one of your biggest assets.

5. And finally, you never take a club cricketer and make him the test captain. Rahul Gandhi should do a lot more than his half yearly rounds of Amethi before he can be your Prime Minister.

And now my message to NDA and friends:
1. Narendra Modi is going the Saurav Ganguly way, you either make him the captain or he is going to take the team down with him.

2. Expecting Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev to get you back to power in 2014 is like expecting your coach to make a hundred in an important final.

3. Don't bank on Narendra Modi to win you 2014 elections single handedly. RCB made the same mistake in IPL by banking totally on Chris Gayle. To win, your whole team should be organized.

4. Expecting Advani to retire is a bit like expecting me to retire. He is your only leader with nationwide appeal. He may not be your next captain but he is still your best batsman. Play him at number 3 on tricky pitches.

5. Nitish Kumar is your rising star but he is still playing Ranji Trophy in Bihar. He can win you the whole of North India if you get him in the national Team. He should be your captain/vice captain and opener.

And finally my only message to everyone else, "Scratch where it itches, I always do."

CB:
Wow. we did it. In your face all you news channels.... Signing off. dekhte rahiye CB-Live.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com 

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Team India: Captaincy and Season preview

IPL is close to getting over and this is a good time to start thinking about the one team that really matters: The Indian Cricket Team.

Team needs changes and it must start at the top. No one should have any doubts about Dhoni's credentials as a captain; he is one of the greatest we have ever seen. Not a great tactician by any means, probably his greatest strength was not allowing success or failure get to his head in these times of intense media scrutiny. But no one can be or should be a captain forever. Starting from Ganguly's reign in the aftermath of matchfixing controversy, we have been lucky to have great captains who were just the right guys to lead the team during their respective eras. There are strong indications that Dhoni is no more the best guy to lead us. He carries a jaded look on tours these days. His body has been bruised, his mind routinely overclocked. One of the biggest reasons for our recent overseas loses was the lack of leadership. Back home Dhoni is way more relaxed and back in his elements. He would do well to step down at this time and focus on his role as a wicket keeper batsman. For the next World Cup, we need our best finisher ever to be in top shape. Dhoni should also work harder on reinventing himself as a test batsman, something he might be able to do once relieved of the burden of captaincy.

The choice for our next captain was always obvious; IPL has now made it a no-brainer. Gautam Gambhir has been a revelation. He relishes captaincy and is a certainty for India in all 3 formats of the game. He has the right mix of patience and aggression, a big match temperament, always backs and supports his players. Virat Kohli should continue to be his deputy.

A few other things on my wishlist for the next one year:

Che Pujara and Rahane should cement a place in the test squad.

Umesh Yadav to lead the pace attack in all 3 forms, Zaheer Khan's fitness can't be relied upon.

A closure on Rohit Sharma's case (whether he really has the temperament to play for India). He is that guy whom everyone wants to love but he keeps giving reasons to hate him.

Sachin Tendulkar deserves to get picked in the team as long as he continues to be in form. One thing that we can't allow him to do is to skip every other tour. Cricketers do need rest, and its fine to opt out of the occasional tours. But playing around 30 - 40 percent of the games hurts stability and balance of the team.

And before we go, a prediction for tonight's game, KKR will win this. They have been the best team of the competition despite finishing second in the table. I know Srini uncle might be trying everything in his power but if needed, trust 'The Don SRK' to pull off another incredible heist and do a double whammy on Srini uncle by buying some Chennai players and turning them against their own boss.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com 

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Of Haters and Luck

This one might sting a few. If you are not a general hater, continue reading. If you are a hater, then you are warned before you read further. CSK were lucky to reach the playoffs – Agreed!. And they are lucky since Dhoni is lucky. And since Dhoni is lucky, you hate him. Well, I am not a huge Dhoni fan but I forgive him a hundred sins for giving me the best night of my life after winning the World Cup (4-0 loses against England and Australia in the test matches were two of those sins). But I am writing this since I generally hate the haters of any kind. So here are some quick explanations to your useless Brain farts. By the end of this, I hope you should be able to know a bit more about your worthless self.

Haters: DHONI IS JUST A LUCKY BASTARD...

CricketBakchod: Okay. This might be long.. You know what? Fuck You! And you know who else is a Lucky bastard? You are. For you were born worthless and never acquired any real skills. You somehow managed to land up a job in a company which trained you to do some shit. Despite being worthless, you can buy yourself a computer and a smartphone and an internet connection to read this blog. Yes, you are the lucky bastard for not ending up like a homeless bum which you might fully deserve to be. But lets come to the point, this is not about you. Probably, some people in sports like in life are luckier than others. But most of them still end up being a loser like you. Some, however smash 51 of 20 balls when lady luck presents a chance to them. Some of them manage to keep their head and back themselves despite going through a series of loses and setbacks. And some, walk in with the World Cup in balance and own them bitches. Yes, luck is important. But what's more important is to make it count. And Dhoni, unlike most of you has been able to make it count almost everytime.

Haters: DHONI HAS NO GRACE WHILE BATTING. DAMN! HE CAN'T EVEN HIT A COVER DRIVE...

CricketBakchod: Here is a good exercise for you. Take the MCC coaching manual, yes the one with that hard cover. And shove it up your ass. You know why? Let me explain. You get 4 runs for a graceful cover drive where you hold that pose with that nice straight bat. You also get 4 runs for that shovel which Dhoni plays with an angular bat off the front foot through the off side. "Runs on the board." Say that out loud to yourself. Yes runs on the board are what wins you game. And in case no one has told this to you yet, there is only one reason to play sport. To Win. To play fair, and win. All that matters. End of Story.

Haters: DHONI'S RISE HAS BEEN SO QUICK. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE WHERE HE IS..

CricketBakchod: Okay, only fucktards among elitist haters will say this. I have my sympathies with you. You might be an extreme case and I will try not to abuse you (Damn! Sorry, for the first line). You suffer from a syndrome called "Fuck him, he-successful-but-me-Loser". Yes, that's a medical term. You may not know it but you only hate the rise of people who are similar to you. Those who had a very humble upbringing, and very little to no means, but could still rise above the system and somehow make it big. But you are still right there in your miserable life. As I said, my sympathies. Resident medical team of CricketBakchod highly recommends that you wank yourself at least 2 times daily to feel better about yourself.

Well, to my mind these are the most popular among the Dhoni hate rants. There may be others but I don't have the time and energy to cover them all. Haters deserve only so much of my time.

PS: This blog is written under the assumption that IPL is not scripted.

 - rajesh@cricketbakchod.com

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Ganguly Vs Dada

Pune vs Mumbai, the Maharashtra Derby. Sachin vs Saurav. Ambani vs Sahara. As is usual in the IPL, this was a game of many head to heads.

This is Dada at the toss: (Source: Cricinfo match commentary)

"The pitch looks good, the ball comes on to the bat and 160-170 is achievable."

This is Dada in the post match presentation: (Source: Cricinfo match commentary)

"This was not an easy wicket, the ball did not come on to the bat. We lost a few wickets early, when I got out was the turning point of the game."

Forget about the game, Dada's credibility for his future commentary stints took a nosedive. I was pretty sure that Harbhajan and Dada had entered an agreement before the game to criticize the pitch as the only face saving way to explain their inept batting performances. From the evidences on TV, I didn't see one ball keep alarmingly low or move in the air or turn sharply. Batting of Mithun Manhas and Bhuwanesh Kumar proved beyond doubt that this was more about batting ineptitude than just a bad pitch.

Ganguly's attitude is a tale of two eras. That of before and after the Chappell fall out. Or, as I like to say it, the pre and post Dadagiri era. Ganguly in the pre-Dadagiri era was still a hard nosed cookie. There have been rumors of him refusing to be the twelfth man or carry drinks right from him junior/under-16 days. Later on, he popularly earned the sobriquet of "Lord Snooty" from Freddie Flintoff when the two shared the dressing room for Lancashire. But that was more of a cultural mix up than anything else (much like the Shilpa Shetty episode on The Big Brother).

After getting dropped from the Indian team (deservingly so), in came the Dadagiri era. (Did it coincide with what is called the attitude era in WWE wresting? okay lets leave that). It was my way or highway from here on. Dada realized his Bengal power and a certain CPI party member even raised a question in the parliament about Ganguly's place in the team. After the comeback, Ganguly would continue to have a good batting average but unsurprisingly winning fewer and fewer matches since he would be mostly content to just keep his place in the side. Before all the Bengalis start shouting, I do remember some of his important test innings from this period. His innings in South Africa, His double hundred against Pakistan and the one he played again against South Africa on a rank turner in Kanpur. But these were not innings where he had to make a self vs team choice. His divisive influence in the 2007 world cup was apparent when despite being a senior player he was content on just doing enough with the bat to retain his place. In that disastrous match against Bangladesh his slow batting (66 of 129 balls) was mostly responsible for India's low total and eventual defeat (probably he had realized that we being a stat obsessed nation can't blame the highest scorer of the game for losing that match http://www.espncricinfo.com/wc2007/engine/current/match/247464.html)

His real Dadagiri came to the fore in dressing rooms where he was not made the captain. From Team India to Team KKR, if you don't make Dada the captain, you can't hope to have a cohesive team. Making Dada the captain of Pune Warriors mitigates this issue but his attitude of him being beyond questioning still remains, and despite showing some initial form looks bound to eventually keep Pune Warriors out of the playoffs race.

Today as I wait for the Dada homecoming match at the Edens, I hope that he for once can just be Ganguly. Pune tonight just want Dada to be their inspirational leader on the field. He still has the natural stroke playing instincts left in him. He can be a floater or a lower order batsman who can just express himself with his shot making. Here's hoping for the victory of a cricketing brain over the political brain.

Sincerely.

A Saurav Ganguly fan.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com

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Growth of Cricket in India: The Midget Theory

The Inception

We at Cricket Bakchod have a theory for most things cricket. Massive amounts of research, experiments, surveys and scotch have gone into our theory. (Ok! You got us there, only massive amounts of scotch).
So here is the latest. We call this The Great Indian Midget Theory.

Ramachandra Guha, the great cricket historian who writes when he is sober, once gave these 3 points about the rise of cricket in India.

First - Narrow streets where every child first experiences the sport, provide a natural setting for the basic grammar of ‘playing straight’ to be adopted. (Remember when you played that ugly hoick across the line and were felt up by Sharmaji, attempting to fetch back the ball?)

Second - Cricket is a sport that doesn’t demand much athletic ability, allowing almost anyone to participate. (Which other sport can have an icon who looks like WG Grace)

Third - Periodic intervals during a match, has turned its viewer ship into a semi-social occasion.

Okay, now wake up, history class is over. Sadly, our grand old man Guha read a million books but essentially remained a historian hence couldn’t explain why we became so good at the skills required to play the game.

The Theory:

During cricket's growth years in India, we were mainly good at two things, batting and spin bowling. The Bakchods call upon their immense cricket watching and alcohol drinking experience to explain the reason for this. We concluded, we Indians are short men, shorter than all the other cricket playing nations. (Did you say what about Bangladesh? We said C-R-I-C-K-E-T, not upgraded gilli danda). And unlike most other sports where height is an advantage, most of the skills in cricket are easier to acquire for a short guy. Think about all the great batsman of yore, Vishwanath, Gavaskar et al were all short men. They had the great advantage of being balanced at the crease, which is the essence of batting. Shorter men with low centre of gravity will always be more balanced while transferring their weight on the front or the back foot. And most of the balls will always come to them at a good height (Apologies for sexual overtone! Completely intended). Some of you will now be trying to bullshit us with your examples of Sobers, Lloyd, Gayle, etc as tall batsmen who were successful but we will just ignore you as we have more pegs to consume and less time to explain ourselves. But just imagine if Gods were watching a cricket channel now, will it be showing footage of Lloyd, Sobers or Vishwanath, Gavaskar, Bradman, Tendulkar? (Again! IndiaTV does not own a cricket channel and your argument in invalid)

The other great success stories were the spinners. The Bedis and Prasannas again were short men. Grown up men cried watching these short men throw the ball up, women moaned and groaned over their capacity to hit "the right spot" each and every time. Taller men could never get the kind of loop going like these little men.

So, there you have it, The Midget Theory. First in the series of many that the Bakchods are going to throw at you. Leave a comment if you are pissed off at the thought of drunken men explaining to you all there is to explain about cricket.

Note: If you think, we focused more on scotch and less on cricket, blame yourself and go pour a large one.

- rajesh@cricketbakchod.com

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Bakchodi prelude

Hello!
We watch Cricket. We drink scotch. We never fight over who is hotter (Archana Vs Shibani that is). And we LOL at practically anything. We are new, we are fresh and we promise consistent LOLs.

We have been tweeting for a week now. Has been fun. Here's few of our IPL tweet which we like.most.

On great Sir Aggy!

Man of the ear Ajit Agarkar trending on twitter. #IPL #IPL5
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 16, 2012

Inspirational Dravid

okay so dravid has been genetically mutated. first the shots, now the dance youtu.be/uSprQcFpuOQ #IPL #IPL5 #dravid #dancelikeandegyptian
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 17, 2012

Child-abuser Gayle

Gayle is sorry for breaking a spectator's nose. Rahul Sharma ki to gaand maar li bhenchod, feel sorry for that too. #IPL #IPL5 #gaylepower
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 17, 2012

Temperamental GG

Gambhir calm as usual in the team meeting. "Bhencho ye game haare to gand maar lunga sabki" #IPL #IPL5
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 18, 2012

Mr. Photogenic Bala'Z'

Best smile on display tonight @iamsrk: me @realpreityzinta: me. Balaji: #BitchPlease #IPL #IPL5
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 18, 2012

Insects get honorary mention too

Madarchod kitane insects hain ground pe. The richest league in the world can't buy some Mortein coil? #IPL #IPL5
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 18, 2012

Features in our wishlist

Preity Zinta throwing T-shirt into crowd. (Not her's) #almostAwesome #IPL #KKR #IPL5
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 18, 2012

Target:BCCI

@BCCI has proposed to deduct a bonus point from the winning team if the game finishes before strategic breaks. #TrueStory #IPL #IPL5
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 18, 2012

On fabulous Dan Christian

Dan Christian - Offending Jesus one match at a time #IPL #Deccan Chargers #DC #DD
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 19, 2012

For Nehra's horse's-confidence-shattering tooth

Nehra ke daant. khaane ke aur, darane ke aur. #IPL #IPL5 #PWI
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 19, 2012

Super Athlete Dada!

Dada runs across with all the grace of an old Lambretta scooter. #IPL #IPL5
— Cricket Bakchods (@CricketBakchod) April 19, 2012

Let us know your thoughts

- abhishek@cricketbakchod.com

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